that smile

“And she would keep this light in her heart forever.  The end.”

Then children gathered around her with their own copies.  Must’ve been the tenth copy she signed or so, she couldn’t actually remember because she lost count after the third one.  She signed the book, handed it to the little girl, and reached out her hand to receive the next copy without looking up.

“… and this is for?” she opened the cover and prepared to write.

Getting no reply, she looked up.

“Dave.” and the world just seemed to come to a stop.  She couldn’t move. Her heart skipped a beat.  She didn’t know what to do…

“Dave…” she heard herself repeat what he said, but somehow never felt the word escape her lips.  He looked into her eyes, with that smile that only her heart remembered.  He reached out to her, and as if in a trance she felt herself getting up and being drawn to him.  Before she knew it, she was in his arms, and she never imagined this would ever happen.  She pulled away.  She looked at him, as if to check if this was really happening. It was… it was. Dave was here, now, in front of her.

“Gee, I had to stand in line just to talk to you,” then when she heard that familiar laugh, she realized how much she had longed to hear his voice again.  She felt so good inside that her lips slowly curved into a smile, that smile he used to always bring out of her.

control

Shut my eyes

Cover my ears

Bite my tongue

Clench my fists

Hold my breath

Stop my heart

Get a grip.

Control myself.

As promised.

Driftin’ Away

I woke up one morning, and it wasn’t there anymore.  It vanished. It hurts that I will never hear it again.  And I am forced to succumb to the pain that this is something I can never have ever again.

It was a secret, a thing that kept her sane.  It gave her hope, a knot at the end of her rope.  It kept her going, holding on for one more day.  But now it’s gone.

So she heard voices telling her…

That she should just do what needs to be done.  She should stop wallowing.

That she can’t have everything.  She should stop complaining.

That this will pass.  She should stop worrying.

She wonders why is it always that the thing you need so much has to be the thing that you can never have.

She’s always with you but she’s still alone. And her mind keeps driftin’ away.

Another Page

Page 1                        Nature of the game

She loves me; she loves me not

Remember how your heart used to stop

As the petals would hit the floor

How you wished there could be just one more

Page 2                        Baby Says No

Baby says no, she can’t let go too soon

‘Cause it doesn’t feel right, not tonight

Page 3                        No Time for Talk

No time for talk, no place for tears

There’s no reason to wonder after all these years

Sure we had some good times

But who’s to blame

Page 4                        What am I Supposed to Believe

You took my heart and threw it away

You left me out in the rain

What am I supposed to believe, is it that you really love me

Page 5                        Talking in my Sleep

Wake up, reach for her, she’s not there

All I do is dream, dream that she will come home soon to me

Page 6                       Words of Wisdom

All the words of wisdom, they never seem to ease the pain

All the words of wisdom they all sound the same

Page 7                       Long World

It’s long world we’re living in

I just can’t live without her

Does anybody know how it feels to want her this bad

So bad you’d give your life away

two arrows

amidst rough waters
i lost my two oars
they turned into arrows
two arrows killing me
one arrow shot from afar
one arrow right through my heart
no paradise
no heaven
only hell

bridges

Was at the river park with my son this afternoon…am glad he is slowly outgrowing his fear of bridges.  Then I realized, I’ve just begun to have mine.  Bridges of Madison County, Bridge over Troubled Water, London Bridge falling down, burnt bridges, and bridges I have to cross when I get there, oh, and the one with the troll living under it…scary!

Fear No. 1: Just like a line that connects two points, bridges are supposed to join two things that are far from each other.  Just like drawing a line, you start from one end, and you have to walk all the way towards the other.  But unlike a straight line which is made up of three collinear points, bridges only have two, so the trip is not always straight. Variations in direction, distance, and slope enhance reason for fear. Where is this going? How far does one have to go?  It would be easy to go downhill, but difficult otherwise…

Fear No. 2: Wood and clay will wash away, iron and steel will rust and bend, silver and gold will be stolen away, my fair lady! What else can your bridge be made up of…eggshells, yikes!  Then you would have be careful, be very careful.

Fear No. 3: The fact that a bridge was built across means whatever makes up the gap is not passable.  Might be troubled water, a deadly ravine, or an unfathomable abyss.  What’s that last one?  Yah, now you know why it’s scary, because you don’t know what lies beneath the platform you are walking on.

Fear No. 4: Keep right unless you are in Japan.  You don’t own this bridge, uh-uh! And as obnoxious as the troll under it, so can be the people crossing it, with you and against you.  Humanities 101: Hell is other people.

Fear No. 5: I remember the bridge Richard and Anesthesia crossed in Neverwhere …wait, let me correct that, Anesthesia never made it through.  A lot of things can happen along the way, you’d have to survive the trip.  Dig this: you are on the other side, if and only if you get there after you crossed the bridge.

Fear No. 6: You’ve heard of cross the bridge when you get there.  Assuming you got there, and you crossed the bridge.  Now, have you ever wondered, what’s in store for you on the other side?  After all that you’ve gone through crossing this bridge, are you where you wanted to be? In Madison County perhaps…

Fear No. 7: This bridge will self-destruct in 5, 4, 3, …. You’ll never know how hi-tech a bridge can get.  If it were, you just wish a clickable button with a counter-clockwise arrow was available, too.  And if it does work, you’d be teleported back where you came from.  Great!  But here’s the catch, you turn into a cockroach in the process.  Yes, the trip back, if and ever there is one, is far more difficult!

We cross many bridges everyday, connections we make with people around us.  We are the ones who create these bridges, and it’s up to us how we go about crossing it.

Just yesterday, I had to cross two bridges; two people whom I love dearly held my hand and crossed each bridge with me, respectively.  They would be happy to know I got to the other side safely.  And the fear I have learned will remind me that I should not create such ridiculous bridges for myself again, ever.

but it rained

Last night, Russel was alone in the snow, no heat. The fog came in a dream, no light.

Strange, that I was actually reading about how I felt…  As expected, half-way through this Paulsen book, Russel is alone, but with the dogs.  So am I, but to the dogs…  And like him, Brian in the wild, and John in the meadow, I would need courage to get through this on my own.

No heat, the blanket refused. No light, the lamp laughed, telling me I deserve this.

When I woke up this morning, life didn’t get any better.

The sun did shine, but it rained.

quack!

quail

questions queue

quivers quake quiet

qualms quicken quaint quirks

quashed quetzal quickly quits quest

stage Π

And I know a queen, perplexed in sorrow, keeps her light nameless; treasures jaguar’s affection.  Now, is her paradise lost?

stage two and seven-ninths

Almost there…Cross is right for the nth time.  Another page.

I have walked far through the desert, back from paradise; I realized I didn’t lose it, I had decided to abandon it.   My feet are tired.  But carnation petals were scattered before me, to rest my weary feet.  I am in heaven, and with the white flowers silken against the soles of my feet, I understand I am back where I belong.

As I look back, I feel a sharp pain in my chest.  I sigh at the setting sun, even now when it is about to go on its own way, it is still amazingly beautiful. With only a few rays left streaked just above the horizon, my hand still feels the warmth and tries to catch the light but my eyes cannot chase it anymore.  I cry. I cry silently, tears slowly scorching down my cheek.  They reach my lips and I taste the bitter dusk. When I tilt my head back to swallow my sobs, lightning pierces down my spine.

I breathe in long and deep, taking in the divine scent one last time…and the pain leaves me slowly, releasing me from the heaviness in my heart.

The twinkling has died, no diamonds in the sky.

Tonight I will close my eyes, I will embrace the darkness. And rest.